everything is being broken. the shell in which i had shut myself away is cracking up too. the process isn't painless and i can't erase the uncertainty or the confusion but maybe, i can change, even if only a little at a time.

to work, to become an adult,

is not something easy to explain but what i personally think and understand, i want to put them into action. after finishing school, i've been rejecting jobs all the time whenever i couldn't find what i wanted to do. giving up, i kept quitting without even trying to look at myself. i blamed it on the work that i couldn't find what i wanted to do, even if i worked hard there's no physical difference. so how can i work hard? i couldn't understand that and was irritated but one time, i came up with an idea and everyone listened and the fact that people listen to stuff that even someone like me said made me happy. so for a little longer, i've decided to try after i've settled everything. little by little, rather that just as a part-timer, people will start to see me as an individual. after that, i might start to see how my work would come to shape.

to become an adult, is to be acknowledged by someone. the reason why i am here. others appreciating work that only i can do. that's what it means. in order for that to happen, i have to take responsibility for my work. having that feeling is the difference between adults and children.

my final goal is for my family to be proud of me.

a happy one second.
if only something like that really existed.
honestly, i didnt really understand then.
but at this moment,
this one second,
one second,
five seconds,
15 seconds,
just a little longer,
i wished it could last a little longer,

loneliness is smuggling yourself into thinking you have to do everything yourself.
so just dont think that rather being by yourself is comfortable and you wont have to share your mistakes.
im a "friend" for travelers, alone.

i wanna ask something.
did i look happy then?

i'm always the one who's giving others advise. i don't expect anything in return but sometimes its frustrating knowing that i can't share and be open about things that are going on in my life to those whom i share my advise with. i just don't have that kind of people in my life. everyone around me don't wanna listen, they just wanna be listened to. if everyone's like that, who can i open up to? my mind is overcrowded but my words don't spill. im like a blank piece of paper even if my brain's occupied with tons of things. im a walking timebomb. just a matter of time before i explode and without anyone to stop me or put me out.