i may not be his girlfriend,
but i am not a nobody to him.

the Japanese and Korean culture admiration that many foreigners posess.

everything is being broken. the shell in which i had shut myself away is cracking up too. the process isn't painless and i can't erase the uncertainty or the confusion but maybe, i can change, even if only a little at a time.

to work, to become an adult,

is not something easy to explain but what i personally think and understand, i want to put them into action. after finishing school, i've been rejecting jobs all the time whenever i couldn't find what i wanted to do. giving up, i kept quitting without even trying to look at myself. i blamed it on the work that i couldn't find what i wanted to do, even if i worked hard there's no physical difference. so how can i work hard? i couldn't understand that and was irritated but one time, i came up with an idea and everyone listened and the fact that people listen to stuff that even someone like me said made me happy. so for a little longer, i've decided to try after i've settled everything. little by little, rather that just as a part-timer, people will start to see me as an individual. after that, i might start to see how my work would come to shape.

to become an adult, is to be acknowledged by someone. the reason why i am here. others appreciating work that only i can do. that's what it means. in order for that to happen, i have to take responsibility for my work. having that feeling is the difference between adults and children.

my final goal is for my family to be proud of me.

a happy one second.
if only something like that really existed.
honestly, i didnt really understand then.
but at this moment,
this one second,
one second,
five seconds,
15 seconds,
just a little longer,
i wished it could last a little longer,

loneliness is smuggling yourself into thinking you have to do everything yourself.
so just dont think that rather being by yourself is comfortable and you wont have to share your mistakes.
im a "friend" for travelers, alone.

i wanna ask something.
did i look happy then?

i'm always the one who's giving others advise. i don't expect anything in return but sometimes its frustrating knowing that i can't share and be open about things that are going on in my life to those whom i share my advise with. i just don't have that kind of people in my life. everyone around me don't wanna listen, they just wanna be listened to. if everyone's like that, who can i open up to? my mind is overcrowded but my words don't spill. im like a blank piece of paper even if my brain's occupied with tons of things. im a walking timebomb. just a matter of time before i explode and without anyone to stop me or put me out.

yes,
in your eyes im a fuckin loser,
at least im not like some who are all plastic,
non-realistic.
what the hell is up with your character?

unlike you,
im not a beast.
preying on the weak,
like a wild animal released.
no, im not like those wannabes.
or those walking in sky high heels.

no, the stars can't be seen.
no, the sky's not dark enough.
no, the moon's not showing for me.
no, can't see the sky's marshmellow fluff.

you were like the nice flavour of the sun.
we were just like day and night.
from the start, there was no way we could be friends.
it was a short dream.
it'd be a good thing if i could forget.

to comprehend the value of one year,
just ask the students who failed their end of year exams.

to comprehend the value of one month,
just ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

to comprehend the value of one week,
just ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

to comprehend the value of one hour,
just ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

to comprehend the value of one minute,
just ask the people who missed their stop on the bus.

to comprehend the value of one second,
just ask the person who managed to avoid an accident in time.

to comprehend the value of one tenth of a second,
just ask the person who ended up with a silver medal at the Olympics.

the hands of the clock will continue ticking.
therefore, treasure every moment you have,
and treat today as the utmost gift you'll get.
be thankful for each and every ordinary day.
have the courage to live life to the fullest.

-yuuki

this is what i got from the personality test. hmmm
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

"My Kind of Boy"

1. Do you need him/her to be good looking?
- i need him to look clean.

2. Smart?
-smart enough to communicate with.

3. Preferred age?
-dun mind but not too young.

4. Preferred height?
- taller than me. duh -.-

5. How about sense of humor?
- very much needed.

6. How about piercings?
- okay i guess.

7. Accepts you for who you are?
-definately.

8. Pink hair?
-hell no.

9. Mushy or no?
-not really, depends on my mood haha.

10. Thin or fat?
- average.

11. Black, Brown or White (skin color)?
-its not abt skin color.

12. Long hair or short hair?
- anything that suits him best lor.

13. Plastic or metal?
- raww flesh.

14. Smells good?
- yees

15. Smoker?
-dun mind.

16. Drinker?
- hmmm..

17. Girl/Boy-next-door type?
- i dunno what type that is.

18. Muscular?
- maybe, maybe not?

19. Plays piano?
- a bonus.

20. Plays bass and/or acoustic guitar?
- okok

21. Plays violin?
-another bonus.

22. Sings very good?
-hmm dun mind.

23. Vain?
-cant be more vain than me but im not a much of a vain person so not really.

24. With glasses?
-both good.

25. With braces?
- very cute.

26. Shy type?
- sometimes but not most of the time.

27. Rebel or good boy/girl?
- need to know when and where to be each.

28. Active or passive?
-Active, whats passive?

29. Tight or bomb?
- huhz?

30. Singer or dancer?
- dancer ooohhhh.

31. stunner?
- my kind of stunnnerr.

32. Hiphop?
- sometimes.

33. Earrings?
- this decade still got guys wear earrings meh?

34. Mr/Ms. count-my-ex-girlfriends-until-you-drop?
- huh dun understand.

35. Dimples?
-if have ok of dun have nvm.

36. Bookworm?
- can read good enough.

37. Mr/Ms. love letter?
- hahaha oldschool.

38. Playful?
- sometimes.

39. Flirt?
-no way.

40. Poem writer?
-not emo ones.

41. Serious?
-seriously no. depends on what he need to be serious in/at.

42. Campus crush?
-wtf?

43. Painter?
- maybe?

44. Religious?
- hmmm..

45. Someone who likes to tease people?
-haha yes cos i like to tease ppl also.

46. Computer games geek? Or internet freak?
- think no one can beat me.

47. Speaks 20 languages?
- wow ksiao!

48. Loyal or faithful?
- both la wahliaoz

49. good kisser?
- am i one?

50. loves children??
-yeeess definately.

G:how did you drift apart from him?
S:i dont know.
S:how do you think we drifted apart?

S:a while back, you asked me if i confessed to him.
S:i did confess to him.
S:i tightly packed up more than 5 years of fighting with myself, and just once, i mustered some courange, on April Fools Day.
S:believing that if it were destined, my sincerity would be understood, it seemed as if i risked everything.

G:so what happened?

S:i wasn't able to reach that person, my heart that is.
S:the really amazing thing was, after doing that, my heart completely emptied.
S:like the low tide receding.
S:i thought "so, its only to here".
S:the moment i let him go, i felt liberated.
S:like solving a math problem after working on it for a long time.
S:i felt refreshed.

G:and you weren't hurt?

S:because i did everything, without any regrets, it didnt hurt as much as i thought it would.
S:so you too should do everything so that you won't have any regrets.

i keep repeating a broken melody so i won't forget it.
there is something here that is more important than words.

in this strong wind, there's too much cause for forced laughter.
the fragments of my crooked dreams have been spread apart by the road.
even if we pretend to be cold towards each other,
i have no doubts,
i could sing any song.

so i hid the transparent melody in my heart so that i won't lose it.
back then, the morning sun fell as we were seperated.
the traveling clouds were beautiful that day.
when we parted we left behind the words "see you again"

i don't really like the word "memory."
why?
no reason.

once i read a story called "What Color Was That Girl's Dress?"

two girls, named A and B are recalling an old story together.
they get into this discussion about a picture hanging on the wall of one of the staircase landings in their elementary school.
a picture of a girl picking flowers in front of a deep red sunset.

A says, "oh! how nostalgic. You're talking about the picture of the girl in a pretty yellow dress, right?"
but then B says, "No, the dress she was wearing was red, just like the sunset!"
"No, it was red!"
"No, it was definately yellow!"
"All right, then why don't we go see for ourselves?"
the two of them, filled with excitement, reached the old nostalgic school building.
"What color was that girl's dress?"

and what color was it?

it didn't have a color.
it was just a black and white picture.
the dress that dark silhouette wore was scribbled completely black.
yet in their memories, both bickering girls were sure that the dress in the picture had a color.

see? human memories are too vague.
thinking something has a color when it doesn't, making things more dramatic than they really are, glorifying things.
it gives new, greater meaning than was actually there.

that's why i don't really believe any of this talk about "beautiful memories."

what do i believe in then?

you, absolutely you.
what's right in front of me now.

but fuck you, for now.

ah starting to blog again.

for starters,
i confessed but it didn't turn out so well.
just as i expected.
but then,
i wasn't expecting much anyways.
didn't feel how i was supposed to.
ma.. ma.. daijo-bu..

with all that aside!
IM REBORN-ED.
I LOVE KOREAN BOYS!

i'll die an old maid, aloneeeeee! YOSH!!